Friday, October 21, 2005

why not me?

When I was last in DC, I joked that I should hang out wearing a robe in order to lobby my way onto the Supreme Court. This was before Harriet Miers. Now I am no longer joking. Let's take a look at how I am equally qualified(or, in some cases, moreso) to be a Justice of the Supreme Court.

1. Neither Harriet nor I can legally practice law. I never cared to and Harriet let her licenses(yes, plural) expire.

2. I have been known to write at a level between A+ and B. Harriet writes at a D-.

3. Harriet has never been a judge before. One summer I was selected to be a judge for The Freaky Tiki's Booty Contest. The court ruled 4-1 in favor of a lovely and enthusiastic young lady with a perfectly delightful tushie.

4. Harriet has been said to be rewarded for loyalty. You want loyalty? I've been a Chicago Bears fan since I was 6 years old in spite of years of sub-par football and the addition of a "home team" to North Carolina.

5. Harriet was elected as the first woman president of Locke, Purnell, Rain & Harrell. I was elected the first Jr. president of the Southern High School Classical Society.

6. Harriet was selected as the first woman to become president of the Dallas Bar Association. I was the first North Carolinian to win the seat of president in a Dallas Bar while playing a popular drinking game.

7. Harriet wrote some love letters to George. I am not an attempted homewrecker.

So there you have it folks. Write your congressman and tell him to write your president to tell him that when this nomination crashes and burns, Ben Moser should be the next name on his list. My opinion on Roe v. Wade shall, until then, remain a closely guarded secret.