my wife, my brother, and i are 7 years old

Memorial Day Weekend annually compels an obscene number of Americans to celebrate those who have fought and died as members of the US armed services by running their pasty bodies across the beach and jumping into a recently-thawed ocean. So it was that Andi, Little Brother to the Stars Zack Moser, and I joined their numbers.

Sunday afternoon, the three of us traveled to Emerald Isle. After many bouts with being too wussy to jump into the freezing water, Zack and I manned up in time to realize there was no current, there were no waves, and we were basically sitting in a salty, frigid swimming pool. No fun.

So we joined Andi for a stroll on the beach. As we took our stroll, we came across a jellyfish that had been washed ashore. There was some debate as to whether or not this was actually a jellyfish, and then whether or not it was dead. In order to satisfy our curiosities on both counts, we immediately sought out things to poke and prod the subject of our inquisitiveness.

On the way up, we also found what appeared to be a dried up puffer fish. Once proper sticks were found, this dead fish would be test case for our poking sticks. All of them snapped upon prodding, except for Zack's, which seemed to be and old wooden tent stake(if the jellyfish had been a vampire, no problems).

A return to our jellyfish friend allowed us to poke, peak around underneath its mesoglea, and eventually flip it back into the ocean on the off chance that it's lack of response to our intrusive stick-maneuvering didn't mean it was dead. At least we were able to agree that it was, in fact a jellyfish.

This conclusion was also come to by a small girl who walked by it and immediately proclaimed "JELLYFISH!!!" We should have shown her the puffer fish-looking guy. I'll bet she could have identified that one quicker than we did, too.

my sundays in 2011 just opened up

The NFL owners, who unanimously voted to accept the current labor deal with the players' union, have now unanimously voted to back out of it in 2011. Apparently, they're tired of making veteran players cranky by making them settle for less money while they throw tons and tons of money at guys who've never played so much as one NFL down.

There are still three more seasons of NFL football before we'll get to the inevitable lock out (apparently, the players' union will reject any salary cap - and I have a funny feeling that the Cowboys and Redskins are the only teams that would consider going forward without one on a longterm basis). So I suppose Andi can probably make plans for the late summer/early fall Sundays of 2011 that don't include the Chicago Bears but do include me.

I don't have the heart to tell her that there might be an extra week of regular season play, so maybe an upcoming NFL-less fall will come as a consolation of sorts.

i won't be driving anywhere after american gladiators

Last night, the NBA had a thrilling game 7 going on, the NHL had an elimination game the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and Jon Lester tossed a no-hitter. So you can argue it was a great night for sports. So naturally, you know what I was watching?



I think I need help.

By the way, Andi and I have been working on a drinking game to go with American Gladiators. Here's what we have so far. Additions will be made as we think of them. Hoist your beverage of choice and take a drink when...

1. One of the contenders is referred to by their profession rather than their name
2. Wolf mentions smelling or eating someone
3. A contender mentions his/her children
4. Hulk Hogan poses or says "brother"
5. Leila Ali says "okay"
6. The gladiators/contenders signal readiness, but the show cuts to commercial instead of the start of the game
7. The ref signals "false start" / "traveling" when checking contender readiness
8. Titan says something inane
9. Toa sticks his tongue out
10. Hellga is referred to as "The [adjective] Hellga"
11. A female gladiator signals being ready by screaming "Woooo!"
12. A male gladiator signals being ready by grunting
13. The lame play-by-play guy makes a pun

so, what kind of last name is "struction"?

Yesterday, for the first time since the Icecaps played in Raleigh, I stepped into Dorton Arena yesterday to check out The Carolina Rollergirls in action. I've met people and had friends who have rollergirled it up, but this was my first time actually going to the event.

Andi, Mayo, and I left Durham while it was still a lovely afternoon to meet a crew from my early college years for a pre-bout dinner (and to watch the Penguins rout the Flyers in high def) at the Village Draft House. About an hour-and-a-half of laughing, eating, and commenting on a hockey game no one else was watching, it was time to go. As far as we all knew, it was still quite lovely outside. That is until, on our way out the door, our waitress mentioned that we should drive safely because the weather looked menacing.

Things started to get windy as we made our way over, either that or the road signs were also really into the The Soviettes song we were listening to in order to be properly psyched for the event. Still, no rain.

That is, until we parked the car. Then? A Tsunami. Things let up and we made the run to the back door of Dorton, only to be told we would have to go around to the other side. So around we went, just in time for the sideways downpour of rain. Andi had armed herself with an umbrella, which she held almost perpendicular to the ground for most of our run around the arena. That was good enough to keep the top half of her dry, but her jeans and sandals were soaked through. Mayo and I were soaked through from all accountable fronts. Nothing says potential fun like sitting around in wet underpants for the second time in a weekend.*

Still, undaunted, we took our seats and began reading though the program and enjoying the alter egos of the various Rollergirls(Elka Meano got my vote for best name, with an honorable mention to Trudy Struction). What I should have been doing was reading up on the rules of roller derby, which were printed over several pages in our programs.

Without a formal appreciation for the rules, to say nothing of the strategies, of roller derby, I had to go by instinct. Having chosen to root for the Debutante Brawlers based solely upon the fact that I liked their players' names more than those of the Trauma Queens, I started screaming uninformed smack talk.

"Skate! Skate like the wind! You can't stop her! It's like you're all on square wheels!" I'd scream before taking a look at the program to see little tidbits like the names of the player positions. Armed with a little bit of information, the screaming could be either more or less ignorant. I'll let you decide which shouting "Jammer! Jammer in the face!" falls under.

If nothing else, my poor attempt at engaging the sport at least served to amuse the group sitting in front of us. They just happened to be the halftime entertainment, The Durham Senior Divas, who requested that I get as excited for them as I was for the roller derby action that I was alternately screaming at and reading up on. Unfortunately, all of their routine was directed towards the opposite side of Dorton arena. This is a seating error I won't be repeating next time.

By the second half, the crankiness one usually associates with soggy undergarments set in and I started pleading for more pronounced violence on the track. Either in response to my cries or as a result of the Rollergirls' legs tiring out, we were treated to some seriously awesome and painful-looking wipe outs.

In the end, my Debutante Brawlers survived a late-game comeback attempt from the Trauma Queens to get the win. The sun had started to peek through the clouds, and it was clearly time to head home and slip into a nice, comfy, dry pair of pajamas. I'll be back to see the Carolina Rollergirls again, though. Next time, armed with actual information and a weather forecast, I expect to have even more fun.

*On Friday evening, in one of the more fun ComedyWorx shows I've ever been a part of, I received a crotch full of Dan Bain spittle as a result of his hilarious - but anatomically unsound - portrayal of a whale. I really had no idea he could put that much of the contents of a water bottle in his mouth. I saw Catie Braly for the first time in a bajillion years following that show. When we went out to catch up, the moistened undies were placed in the gym bag with my ComedyWorx pajamas while I was reminded why blue jeans and going commando have never mixed.