return of the king

The second half. Offenses are struggling. Your team needs a boost. You take the field to the delight of the faithful who have come to see their team. You complete a 22-yard pass. Down at the end zone, you throw an interception on 3rd and goal. It's okay though, because the guy who picked you off fumbled to ball back to your team on the goal line for an easy 6 points on the next play. That doesn't happen for just anybody, but it happened for you. Your name is Rex Grossman.

Rex means King.

this couldn't even wait until december?

I have something important that I need to say to some of my fellow Christians.

Christmas is not under attack. The Baby Jesus is just fine. Please shut up. It's not even December 1st yet and I have to hear sound bites of Bill O'Reilly talking about how the liberals and the "secular media" (Is there a religious media? I mean other than the 700 Club...ewww) is trying to take down Christmas. And you know what? When I thought it was O'Reilly just being O'Reilly and wanting to talk about anything other than approval ratings and the disaster in Iraq, I didn't care.

It's found its way into my local newpapers and now I'm in serious danger of rolling my eyes right out of my head. Are we really going to fight over whether or call it a Christmas Tree or a Holiday Tree? Are we going to whine over manger scenes being taken down in public buildings? Why?

I've listened to people lament the loss of prayer in school(we had no school-wide prayer, but I managed to pray just fine when the spirit moved me) and blast the idea of removing "under God" from the pledge of allegiance(which is fine with me because pledging my allegiance to an inanimate object always seemed a teensy bit like idolatry anyway...noodle that one over for a second) for too long. Now we get "Chirstmas is under attack" to add to the list of things that make the Christian faith seem more a collection of idiots than a people of faith. Because of the renaming of a tree? Because there's a big, glowing snowman instead of a big, glowing star?

Folks, the reason people aren't turning to Jesus is not because they've never heard of him. It's more likely because they don't want to be associated with people who think the removal of a Ten Commandments statue is a sign that satan is taking a stranglehold on these here United States.

Now. Let me talk to the person that is actually offended by a Baby Jesus in front of a Courthouse. To that group of folks that feel as though they need to crusade against lawn decorations. To those who give ammo to whack-job Christians that aren't happy unless they feel they're being persecuted. You. Aren't. Any. Better. Hearing Silent Night at your local high school's winter concert is no more forcing Christianity down your throats than watching their Spring production of Grease is forcing Scientology down your throat. A Christmas tree with a wise man ornament in front of a government building is not an attempt to marry church to state. It's a decoration. Lighten up.

And here's my real problem. I don't know whose side to take in the "War on Christmas" because both sides are full of idiots who are either too easily offended or trying to make a point that doesn't need to be made by either side. So I am not going to boycot a store that wishes me a Happy Holidays instead of a Merry Christmas. But I am also not going to boycot a store that's playing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing over their PA system, either.

Merry Christmas.

this makes my cereal taste bad

I watch Sportscenter with my breakfast. On a good day, I see some kind of ultra-amazing play and then try to explain to Andi why I think that Dwayne Wade's spinning reverse layup was so freaking awesome.

On a bad day, I get fake baseball GM press conferences. The fine folks at deadspin.com(which is worth checking out at least twice daily) hit the majority of my objections to this nonsense in the linked article and an earlier entry. But I do have a few extra gripes of my own.

They spend the first half of each Sportscenter hyping the thing as if it's a real news conference, complete with reporters sitting around and waiting. Lame.

NHL games have their highlight reels cut down to that one goal a guy scored so there's room in the broadcast for this nonsense. Very lame.

I don't want to hear about baseball until something notable happens. These conferences aren't about something notable happening. They're not even about predicting anything notable will happen. In the meantime, there's sports actually happening. NHL, NBA, NFL(although another story about the ongoing T.O. saga may cause me to choke on my Crispy Hexagons in disgust) are all in season. In the meantime, Sportscenter is giving fake news conferences that offer absolutely no new information or insight into a sport that's in it's offseason. Hyper-lame.

I don't think even baseball fans want to see this. Maybe there were two or three people that got into the Yankees' fake press conference. Possibly, there was one guy who was bored enough to find the Red Sox conference worth watching. But, honestly, by the time you get to the Brewers' conference you may have a popular revolt on your hands. So stop it. Stop it now.

why not me?

When I was last in DC, I joked that I should hang out wearing a robe in order to lobby my way onto the Supreme Court. This was before Harriet Miers. Now I am no longer joking. Let's take a look at how I am equally qualified(or, in some cases, moreso) to be a Justice of the Supreme Court.

1. Neither Harriet nor I can legally practice law. I never cared to and Harriet let her licenses(yes, plural) expire.

2. I have been known to write at a level between A+ and B. Harriet writes at a D-.

3. Harriet has never been a judge before. One summer I was selected to be a judge for The Freaky Tiki's Booty Contest. The court ruled 4-1 in favor of a lovely and enthusiastic young lady with a perfectly delightful tushie.

4. Harriet has been said to be rewarded for loyalty. You want loyalty? I've been a Chicago Bears fan since I was 6 years old in spite of years of sub-par football and the addition of a "home team" to North Carolina.

5. Harriet was elected as the first woman president of Locke, Purnell, Rain & Harrell. I was elected the first Jr. president of the Southern High School Classical Society.

6. Harriet was selected as the first woman to become president of the Dallas Bar Association. I was the first North Carolinian to win the seat of president in a Dallas Bar while playing a popular drinking game.

7. Harriet wrote some love letters to George. I am not an attempted homewrecker.

So there you have it folks. Write your congressman and tell him to write your president to tell him that when this nomination crashes and burns, Ben Moser should be the next name on his list. My opinion on Roe v. Wade shall, until then, remain a closely guarded secret.